I have done a very stupid thing. Extremely stupid and I can only assume there was a full moon this Halloween.
It all started when my sister Clara hosted a Halloween party. I usually avoid Clara's parties (they're usually dinner parties of the pretentious kind) but this one sounded fun, especially as it was fancy dress. I roped my best friends, Lauren and Ryan into coming with me (safety in numbers and all that) and off we went.
I was dressed as a vampire (and a rather sexy one at that, if I may say so), Lauren dressed up as a witch (a v. sexy witch) and Ryan went as a Frankenstein (no sexiness involved here. It'd be like describing my brother as sexy. Bleugh). All was going well. The three of us stuck together as planned and worked away at the booze and the nibbles (I have to say, Clara knows how to shop for canapés) and we even had a little boogie to The Monster Mash. It was proving to be quite fun.
And then disaster struck.
Patrick arrived.
Patrick is a friend of my sister. We've met on a couple of occasions when I haven't been able to wriggle out of Clara's dinner party invites and he's a complete sleaze. He has the personality of a chewed up tennis ball and he has a whiff of onions about him. And he doesn't even have good looks to help him out, the poor bastard.
Anyway, Patrick arrived so I obviously made a dash to the kitchen, hoping to find a convenient yet comfortable hiding place. There wasn't one. My sister lives in a flat with a kitchen the size of an unusually small postage stamp.
'Hide me,' I hissed at Lauren and Ryan, who were busily munching on mini spiced chicken skewers. 'Patrick's here.'
'Who?' Ryan didn't have a clue and so didn't react in time. Lauren had heard all about Patrick and his wandering hands and slobbery ways (so had Ryan but Lauren had actually had the grace to pay attention) so she jumped heroically in front of me, shielding me from the nasty onion-aroma-man.
Unfortunately, Lauren is a tiny woman who couldn't hide much more than a twig.
'Ah, Lilah! There you are!'
Nobody had ever called me Lilah before (it not being my name and everything) but Patrick had taken it upon himself to shorten my name upon our initial meeting. I'd told him not to but listening was clearly not his strong point.
'Yes, here I am. With my boyfriend.' I pulled a startled Ryan towards me, clinging onto his arm with a vice-like grip. If he attempted to dismiss my little white lie, I would snap his arm in two.
'Boyfriend? Clara never mentioned a boyfriend.' Patrick gave a little laugh. If Clara hadn't supplied him with the information, it couldn't be true.
'That's because Clara doesn't know. About us. Yet.' Bless Ryan. He was playing along! I wouldn't have to injure the boy! 'It's been a secret.'
'A secret?' There was Patrick's laugh again. 'Why would you keep it a secret?'
I looked at Ryan. Why would we keep it a secret? Was I going to have to hurt him after all? And I was so fond of him too.
'Because he was my boyfriend.' Lauren jumped to our rescue, dramatically whizzing around to face Ryan before slapping him across the chops. 'You complete shit! You've been cheating on me with my best friend? How could you?' With a sob, Lauren flounced from the room, pausing at the doorway to grin at me and Ryan behind Patrick's back.
'Well, Lilah. Who knew you were such a little minx, eh?'
So now Patrick thinks I'm seeing Ryan. And of course he had to tell Clara, who couldn't keep her gob shut and told the whole world. Including Mum, who thinks it's the best news since they brought back Family Fortunes (she has a bit of a thing for Vernon Kay). I've tried telling her it was nothing but a great big steaming lie but she won't have it. She's thrilled. Over the sodding moon.
'I couldn't ask for a better son-in-law,' she tells anybody who will listen. She thinks Ryan is the bee's pyjamas or whatever. He's lived next door to us for nearly 30 years but she's suddenly taken to calling him 'your Ryan'.
So now it looks like I've got a pretend boyfriend, which wouldn't be quite so sad if it wasn't Ryan.
Help!
